Tag Archives: Upsets

Chipping at the Bedrock of Self

In my last post, I talked about changing a Source Code Story, which is a story that lies beneath a series of Upsets. As our idea of being a separate identity is just an illusion, I wanted to keep working down my list of Source Code Stories in a continued experiment of chipping at the bedrock of self.

chipping at the bedrock of self

My idea is that these Source Code Stories are the drivers of how we perceive the world and how we express our “selves” to others. Our “self” is a bundle of sometimes disjointed stories, and if I can change one or many of them I can recreate myself.

My Question

Could I identify and reduce the frequency and intensity of a Source Code Story?

What I Did

Using the same mini-survey protocol I used in the first experiment, I captured the Source Code Story beneath a series of Upsets and rank ordered them to find which was the most frequent. Again, I did multiple repetitions of the exploratory protocol on that story. And throughout I was doing the mini-surveys and monitoring to see if the frequency and intensity of that Source Code Story had changed.

How I Did It

Using the same Google Forms mini-survey that I had devised in the first experiment I captured a list of Source Code Stories that lay beneath various Upsets. As a review, these surveys ask five questions. The first question is my state of mind on a scale of 1 to 5. The second was a brief description of the Upset.  The third was a brief Glass Half Full opportunity within the situation. For example, if I was Upset about waiting in line, an opporunity might be I had a chance to read an interesting book. The fourth was a text entry of what I thought I was trying to protect when I was Upset. This was the Source Code Story. The fifth and final entry again rated my state of mind from 1 to 5.

The protocol for altering the Source Code Story included a different mini-survey. This broke the story down into what sensations were present, what the story that arose from the sensations and the triggering cause of the story. As I have mentioned I learned this sequence from a Guide at Liberation Unleashed. I did this exploratory protocol 25 times over the course of a week.

What I Learned

I reduced the frequency and intensity of another Source Code Story. From the list of Source Cost Stories I had gathered in the first study I determined that the next most frequent Source Code Story was my desire to work on big, important things. This took the form of me having little or no patience with tasks I had deemed were not contributing to some large and significant issue.

From the week prior to doing the protocol an Upset related to this Source Code Story occurred eleven times. This was an average of 1.8 times a day. I was spending a lot of energy feeling that I was wasting my time on tasks that were not significant. During the week, I repeated the exploratory protocol the frequency dropped to .5 per day, and after four days Upsets from this Souce Code Story stopped completely.

As I had measured my state of mind on a scale from 1 to 5 at each Upset, I had a chance to examine how the protocol changed the intensity of the Upsets. Not only did the frequency decrease, the negative state of mind decreased. With 1 being negative and 5 being positive, my average state of mind when these Upsets occurred went from 1.8 to 2.25.

Using a free Google Form and an iPhone I have moved two Source Code Stories from active to far less present in my awareness. As part of reviewing my data I checked on the frequency of the first Source Code Story I worked with, my dislike of having my decisions challenged. In the week-long period after having reduced its presence, an Upset with that Source Code Story only occurred on one occasion. Once that Source Codes Story was gone, it seems to have stayed gone.

Subjectively the amount of time my mind has been spinning due to a Source Code Story has reduced. There have been a lot of moments of relaxation. I imagine that in moments of downtime prior to this I would kick into one of these stories. I am going to conduct the protocol on the remaining list of Source Code Stories to determine what happens when they are all removed.

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How to Measure and Change Self

The word “Self” in Quantified Self demanded some investigation. According to both spiritual and scientific findings, there is no self, but rather a bundle of varied reactions that we interpret and weave into a cohesive story of self. I wanted to see how to measure and change whatever self was for me. 

Here is my personality profile on Crystalknows.com, a site that takes publicly facing information and creates a personality profile based on what a person has put online.

How to Measure and Change Self

As you can see from the underlined section, the service picked up my tendency to not like when people don’t accept my decisions or try to make them on my behalf. This one expression of “self” would be an interesting reference point as the study progressed. 

I had previously developed a method for identifying and improving my state of mind when I felt an Upset come on. I had successfully shown progress using a Glass Half Full and Reversal protocols. These techniques dealt with the irritant in the moment. What I wanted was to use this approach to dig down into the embedded stories that seem to drive my reactions, what I am calling “Source Code Stories”. 

My Question

Could I measure and change a “Source Code Story” that was driving Upset reactions?

What I Did

Using an expanded mini-survey protocol, I captured the Source Code Story beneath a series of Upsets to see which story occurred the largest number of times. Once I determined which story was the strongest, I did multiple repetitions of an exploratory protocol on that story. Once I had completed these exploratory workouts, I conducted another set of mini-surveys to see if the frequency and experience of that Source Code Story had changed.

How I Did It

Using Google Form I first captured a list of Source Code Stories that lay beneath various Upsets. Here is how that worked: When I felt an Upset, the first entry on the Form was my state of mind on a scale of 1 to 5. The second and third entries were the cause of the Upset and the Glass Half Full opportunity within the situation. The fourth entry captured what I thought I was trying to protect when I was Upset. This was the Source Code Story. The fifth and final entry again rated my state of mind from 1 to 5. This is a screen shot of the first three entries in the protocol survey:

Survey Picture

Using this protocol I captured 36 Source Code Stories of what I thought lay beneath the feeling of irritation or worry.  The list has a variety of wordings, so I did hygiene on the list to group like for like Source Code Stories came up with 5 major themes. I rank ordered these themes by frequency of Source Code Stories within. 

Once I had isolated the most frequently occurring Source Code Story, I created an inquiry to pick apart this one story several times a day for a week. I conducted this examination 15 times. It consisted of writing in a Google Form the sensations, verbal story the triggering moment that I experienced when that Source Code Story was behind the Upset. This protocol was inspired by a process I had learned working with the folks at Liberation Unleashed

Once I had done the examinations, I repeated the original protocol to map an additional 33 Upsets and their Source Code Stories. At the completion of this I could compare the story themes from before and after the examination period. 

What I Learned

I was able to isolate a Source Code Story that drove a number of Upsets and change its expression in my day to day experience. Of interest to me was that my most frequently occurring Source Code Story was having my decisions challenged which was consistent with the Crystalknows.com assessment shown above. Here were my takeaways:

  1. The most frequent story, having my decisions challenged, was the driver of upsets 57% of the time in the first period.
  2. After 15 examinations of this story, some as remembered incidents and some in real time, there was no consistent trigger of the reaction. Sometimes it was an email, sometimes a discussion and other times I reacted with no provocation. The insight is that the reaction has no consistent external trigger and therefore I was the source of the reaction.
  3. In the second period, after the examinations, this topic came up only 24% of the time and the wording went from confrontational to more generally positive. My wording went from “they challenged my decision” to “I want this decision to contribute positively.” In this shift, I was now open to feedback which I no longer saw as a challenge.

When mapping my “self”, the assumption was that I would have a large number of Source Code Stories that would be overwhelming in number and complexity. This turned out to not be true. During the first period, I had five Source Code Story themes drive all of my Upsets, the second period seven. It turned out that the negative aspect of “self” is a narrative of five to seven consistent mismatches between reality and what I thought reality should be. And I can alter them one at a time.

In my subjective experience the Source Code Story was less powerful when it did come up after I had worked on it. Both numerically and experientially I had sanded down a rough corner of my “self.” The key to this, as in any training, is repetition. I was examining the story repeatedly to have these changes occur.

The next steps are to continue altering these underlying stories which will alter the pillars of the imagined self. Over time, we’ll see if the Crystalknow.com read will change as well.


Grounding Myself to Improve Disposition

I believe that we create our own reality in how we interpret and react to the world around us. If we have a positive interpretation, we find ourselves living in a positive world. If our disposition is negative, the world reflected back to us is negative. I’ve always been interested in how to reshape my own reactions to the world through regular routines similar to those we find in physical fitness programs.

Grounding Myself to Improve Disposition

Borrowing from the various lessons I have learned from Byron Katie’s The Work, Liberation Unleashed and the writings of Anthony DeMello, I decided to test a technique of grounding that looked more like doing repetitions in the gym than any once a week spiritual routine. I designed a fast way to ground myself in simple, sensation based direct experience using a survey as one “repetition” and did nine reps a day.

My Question

Could grounding myself in direct experience nine times a day change my overall disposition?

What I Did

I created a routine that I could easily repeat multiple times a day where I captured my mood, identified any negative thinking in the previous hour then regrounded myself in direct experience.  By filling out a web-based survey on my smart phone, I walked through this process in a pragmatic and easy way. The key was for me to identify my thinking, then ground myself in direct experience.

Direct experience is a sight, sound or felt sensation in a given moment. Thinking is everything else. For example, “sound of fan” is a direct experience of hearing a sound and “fan being on is costing me money” is my thinking assessment of my situation. Understanding the difference takes practice. The idea was to in each iteration of the exercise I would bring myself out of thinking or negative thoughts and bring myself to the experience of the current moment.

How I Did It

I created a Google form on my iPhone to capture my mood, an upsetting thought, and an observable direct experience when an alarm sounded. This simple survey I could fill out in under fifteen seconds.

The process would be that the alarm would sound, I would open the form and record my mood via a multiple choice question. I could rate myself as upset (1) to completely in flow and happy (5). The form also had text entry boxes where I would capture a negative thought or worry I had from the previous period and a noticing of direct experience in that moment I was recording these impressions.

I set the alarm for nine sessions a day and captured 317 sessions over a 45 day period.

What I Learned

Grounding myself in direct experience multiple times a day improved my overall disposition. Here is a graph of my disposition over the period of the experiment.

Grounding Myself to Improve Disposition

The trend line rises over the period. Though a 3 or 4 remained a consistent state most of the time, the number of 1’s and 2’s reduced, increasing my average. So I wasn’t becoming more euphoric, I was reducing the time I spent in a grumpy state.

I had a baseline of 200 mood readings prior to this experience for comparison. When I compared the 200 baseline readings with the 317 readings post test, I found a significant difference after the test was started: PValue

My average mood score had increased and comparing the two data sets using a Students T-Test there was a statistically significant difference in my disposition (P Value smaller than .05).

The lesson for me is that improving the tendency to be grounded in the moment can be trained, like any type of fitness.  By using the interruption of thinking with a very simple self-assessment process, I had created a repeatable exercise, and with sustained repetition of that exercise had gotten tangible results.